Walking in the Valley A bi-weekly column, featuring one Silicon Valley Christian's (a)musings on life's journey by Barbara Dahlgren

Visiting The Sick Column for the weeks of August 1-15, 2009

archives |

printer-friendly version

There’s a great line in the movie The Bucket List when cancer patients portrayed by Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman are sharing a hospital room. Jack’s character says something I’ve often thought but never voiced. “More people die from visitors than diseases.”

I’ve met some of those people he was referring to.

Here is a list of DOs and DON’Ts they follow.

DON’T

• Don’t even try to call before you come to see if they feel like having visitors. In times of illness all etiquette should go out the window. Just show up unannounced at any time, night or day. The sick should welcome your visit.
• Don’t let the sniffles or a bad cold keep you from visiting. Don’t bother to wash your hands before and after the visit. Spread your germs around and see if you are contagious. If sick people’s weakened conditions cause them to have a relapse or get an infection from you, then the medical profession didn’t do a very good job. Don’t bother to bring or send a note, card, or small gift. It might lift their spirits, but who has the time to write notes today? Just depend on others to do it. We’re too busy for such trivialities.
• Don’t bother to knock gently if the door is closed. Just barge in and loudly announce, “I’m here to brighten your day you lucky fellow.” It doesn’t matter if they are eating lunch, stripped half naked or sitting on a bedpan. Since you are friends, there is no need to preserve their dignity.
• Don’t bother being considerate of their roommates. Who cares about them? Just ignore them. Too bad for them if they don’t have any visitors. They should have made some friends while they still had their health.
• Don’t bother to leave the room if the doctor comes in. Why shouldn’t you know every little detail of what they are going through? That way you have first hand information you can pass on to others.
• Don’t bother to leave the room if a nurse needs to change an IV or give medication. People don’t mind if you see them getting a shot on their behinds. They are probably too sick to care anyway.
• Don’t think sick people are just being polite if you ask if you should leave and they say, “No,” – even though their body language shows they are trying to close their eyes, becoming fidgety, or looking like they are in pain. Be clueless. Even though you should leave and let them rest, you paid for the gas to come over and visit them, so they can just tough it out until you are ready to leave.
• Don’t be a good listener. Better yet, don’t let them talk at all, even if they want to. Instead, monopolize the conversation so they can conserve their energy.
• Don’t bother to be cheerful if you are depressed. There is nothing sick people enjoy more than trying to bolster up those who are full of negative thoughts. It will help them get their minds off themselves.
• Don’t hold your emotions in. If they have a life threatening illness, go ahead, break down and cry. They will be touched by how much you care for them. Then they can spend all their time and energy comforting you instead of the other way around.

DO

• Ignore those pesky visiting hour guidelines. They are for everyone else not you. After all, your schedule is more important than theirs.
• Wake them up if they are sleeping or resting. Be sure to shout, “Wake up you sleepy head! I’m here!”
• Go on in even though the room may overflow with visitors. The more the merrier! This is a good time to catch up with some old friends. Who cares if the sick person is exhausted from trying to play host or introduce people and wants to rest. There is no need to wait outside until some leave or say, “I see you have lots of company today. I’ll come back a little later.” Hey, you are there, so make the most of it. You might not see these people again until the funeral.
• If there aren’t enough chairs, then just sit on the bed with them. They won’t mind. So what if they are a little uncomfortable, it will be cozier that way.
• Do bring small children and let them run rampant. Everyone will be impressed with how cute they are!
• Chatter your head off. Everyone knows sick people don’t want to talk, so it’s up to you to keep talking – even if they just want silence. And here are some great things to talk about:
  o Compare your wounds or scars with theirs. Lift up your shirt and show where they cut you open for your surgery and describe every detail.
  o Tell them you know exactly how they feel even though pain and suffering are individual matters. What they are going through is probably nothing compared to what you’ve been through. A good lead in is, “You big sissy! You have it easy compared to me.”
  o Diagnose them and let them know how incompetent you think their doctors are. Say, “Doctors are just quacks! I have a book that shows you how you can perform self-surgery. You could have saved a fortune!”
  o Share hospital horror stories. They are always good for a laugh. Did you hear how the operating team left a sponge in my Uncle Bob? They gave my Aunt Matilda the wrong medication and she swelled up like a helium balloon. Ha! Ha! Ha!
  o Share bad news. No need to shield them from the world coming to an end. So what if they don’t feel like they have anything to live for. Is that your problem? All you are doing is sharing the truth.
  o Clear up any misunderstandings you might be having with sick people when they are in the hospital. After all, they might die before you get the closure you need to live. Besides, while they are flat on their backs and at a disadvantage is the best time to get your point across. A little disagreement can get a sick person’s adrenaline running which can speed up the healing process – or give them a heart attack. Why should you care as long as you win the argument?
  o Talk about how awful it is to be in a hospital. Talk about the bad hospital food, how difficult it is to sleep, how noisy it is, the reduced staff conditions, and how inadequate insurance coverage is.
• Stay as long as you want. Protocol says that around fifteen minutes is the appropriate time length for a visit, but the sick aren’t going anywhere anyway. What else do they have to do except visit with you?
• Do misquote scriptures to make them feel like they did some horrible sin and this illness is punishment for it. If they were obedient, righteous people, they wouldn’t be in this big mess.
• Ask them if they would like you to pray with them. If they say, “No,” then do it anyway. No need to respect their wishes. After all, they should want to pray with you. Don’t they know that God won’t bless them unless they pray with you?

Hopefully you are getting the gist (and jest) of this message.

As Christians we should visit the sick. We are admonished to visit those in distress (James 1:27) and bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). Jesus goes so far as to say, “…as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me (Matthew 25:34-46).” So when we visit the sick we show through our actions that we love one another. However, we don’t want to fall into the category of visitors Nicholson refers to in The Bucket List. Better for them to say, “I’m so glad you came” and mean it, instead of thinking, “I thought they’d never leave!”

Be sure to visit this page often to read the next edition of Walking in the Valley. You can write to the author at bdahlgren@wcgsouthbay.org.