Walking in the Valley A bi-weekly column, featuring one Christian's (a)musings on life's journey by Barbara Dahlgren

The Loneliest Time of Year Column for the weeks of December 1-15, 2007

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Wired to Connect, an article by Mark Matousek in the January/February issue of AARP Magazine explains that “our brains were designed to be social.” Studies show the gray matter between our ears is actually busy every moment picking up messages and responding. Two-time Pulitzer nominee Daniel Goreman’s reinforces this in his book Social Intelligence. Goreman says, “The brain itself is social.” Not only that, but mirror neurons actually cause people to respond to what they see or feel. This is why smiles, frowns, and yawns are contagious.

So I guess, even as irritating as people are, we would rather live with them than without them. Why else would solitary confinement in prison be considered a severe punishment?

Yet as relational as we long to be, loneliness prevails. We have more methods of instant communication available than ever before such as computers, e-mail, the Internet, cell phones, and text messaging – which might be part of the problem. Internet users spend less time socializing one on one with others. Conversations take place on phones, but reading another’s body language through airwaves is impossible. And text messaging has created an abbreviated language lacking in written and verbal nuances once needed to interact with others. Exactly how many BFFs can one have in a lifetime? We might be communicating more through technology but socializing less.

To complicate matters, some people often impose loneliness on themselves. Dr. Richard Booth, a professor of psychology at Black Hawk College in Moline, IL reports that lonely people are sometimes their own worst enemies. They retreat from contact with others and have unrealistic expectations. Dr. Reena Sommer, an internationally recognized family life consultant in Winnipeg, Canada, feels that lonely people often suffer from distorted logic. Such as:

“I am alone. Therefore no one wants to be with me. If no one wants to be with me, they are not willing to help me escape from my loneliness. If they are not willing to help me, I will reject them, too.”

Loneliness can lead to depression manifesting itself under the mask of withdrawal, anxiety, lack of motivation, and sadness. No where do loneliness and depression go hand in hand more than during holiday seasons – especially at Christmas time. Some can cope with loneliness during the rest of the year, but Christmas is when people are getting together with friends and families. If someone feels isolated from family members or doesn’t have close friends, loneliness and depression are intensified.

Many feel lonely and depressed this time of year. That’s why newspaper and magazine articles, plus countless blogs are written with helpful hints on combating the Christmas blues. The major emphasis of these hints seems to be on getting the focus off “self” and on to others. The skeptic might say, “This is easier said than done when I have no ‘others’ in my life.” The answer might be to enlarge the sphere of focus and go find some “others.”

For example, one could help in a homeless shelter, visit those in a Veteran’s facility, hospital or nursing home, send a care package to a soldier, do random acts of kindness or invite others who will be alone to your home for a potluck. Visiting the fatherless and widowed is another option (James 1:27). The key is to find people who are worse off than you and give, give, give. Believe it or not, there are people lonelier than you. And a person doesn’t have to give much to be appreciated. A candy cane and a smile can lift someone’s spirits.

If you are invited to somebody’s home why not accept without feeling like you are infringing on someone else’s family time? You could always go for awhile and leave early. Bring a bottle of wine or sparkling cider or a poinsettia. Sometimes it’s easier to refuse an invitation so we can stay in our comfort zone.

Matousek’s article tells us mankind is wired to connect and scientists agree that this connectedness will determine our survival as a species. This makes perfect sense to me because God created us to be relational. Christmas isn’t about gifts; it’s about relationships. Jesus came to be with us. Emmanuel means “God with us.” He wants to be with you and me. He waits patiently for us to make that move toward him so he can embrace us with open arms.

Connecting with others and with Christ might make us feel a bit uncomfortable, but remember – solutions to problems usually take us out of our comfort zones.

Be sure to visit this page often to read the next edition of Walking in the Valley. You can write to the author at bdahlgren@wcgsouthbay.org.