Walking in the Valley A weekly column for those who live and walk in Silicon Valley by Barbara Dahlgren

Hitchin' a Ride Column for the weeks of May 16-31, 2005

archives |

printer-friendly version

Earth wasn’t considered a bad planet or anything. In fact it was viewed as mostly harmless by the rest of the galaxy. But when the Voguns*(1), galactic governmental bureaucrats, decided Earth needed to be demolished to make way for a hyperspace bypass, there was nothing to be done. You can’t stop progress!

The only survivors were Arthur Dent (a tea drinking Brit) and Trisha McMillian (a free spirited young woman), two white mice and some dolphins who tried to warn everyone about the destruction. People wouldn’t listen to the dolphins. They just kept throwing them fish to eat as they jumped higher and higher out of the water.

Arthur and Trish met at a party once and seemed to hit it off. But she ditched Arthur for a cool dude who asked her if she wanted to see his space ship. Lucky for her, she did. It turns out the guy was Zaphod Beeblebrox, president of the galaxy. Zaphod looks human. Trish didn’t know he had two heads and three arms until they were in outer space but being a “go-with-the-flow” type girl, she changed her name to Trillion and went along for the ride.

Arthur was spared because he once saved the life of Ford Perfect, a galaxy hitchhiker who looked human. Ford knew of Earth’s impending doom and wanted to return the favor so he had Arthur grab a towel* (2) and come with him to hitchhike through the galaxy.

Galactic hitching isn’t easy but not to worry. Ford has a book, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy*(3), with everything they need to know about hitchin’ rides. The best words of wisdom are written on the cover in bold letters: Don’t Panic!

This user friendly guide, written in lay man’s terms, is a million pages long and has everything you need to know to travel the galaxy. You can find out about Babel fish*(4), space*(5), and lots of other stuff.

One of the rides Ford and Arthur hitch is onto Zaphod’s ship. Zaphod actually stole this particular space ship called The Heart of Gold*(6) so his days as the prez may be numbered. Arthur was thrilled to see Trish, now Trillian again. Together they all, with the help of a depressed android named Marvin*(7), and two stow away mice*(8) head off for adventure and to possibly find the answer to life*(9).

Ah, the answer to life! I guess humans aren’t the only ones looking for this. Too bad humans seem to be coming to the same conclusions as intergalactic beings. That’s what happens when you can’t admit there really is purpose to life and God exists.

But hey, I’ve always loved The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It’s no Fawlty Towers but as British humor goes, it makes a great story. So in conclusion, I only have one piece of advice for you. If you are running for your life, hitchin’ a ride in the galaxy, what ever you do, don’t forget your towel*(2)!

With that I’ll leave you so I can search for where I know the meaning of life really lies…in the Bible. And as the dolphins said as they left Earth, “So long and thanks for all the fish!”

*Glossary of Terms

1. Voguns are green, ugly, officious, unpleasant, bad tempered creatures who came from the seas on Vogsphere and refused to evolve any further than that. Only their stubbornness has allowed them to survive which suits them quite well for being bureaucrats in galactic government. Just don’t let them read you their poetry.
   
2. A towel is the most useful thing to have handy in a galactic crisis. Just take my word for it…you need a towel.
   
3. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was the brain child of writer, Douglas Adams. It was originally a BBC radio show, then a book, then a TV series, and now a movie. Adams died in 2001 and didn’t live to see his dream of it actually becoming a movie. His friend, Robbie Stamp, produced the film, which opened in theaters everywhere (well, maybe not in the whole galaxy) in May.
   
4. A Babel fish can translate languages if you put it in your ear. (This may be where the expression, “Stick in your ear” comes from but I’m not sure).
   
5. Space is “Big. Really big. You just won’t believe how vastly, mind bogglingly big it is.”
   
6. The Heart of Gold is the sleekest, coolest, most advanced star ship in the galaxy. Loaded with speed and power, it can actually pass through each point of the universe simultaneously. It’s also equipped with the latest robot technology (Marvin).
   
7. Marvin is a very chronically depressed android (robot) with GPP (Genuine People Personalities). He makes Eyore look like he just graduated from a positive thinking class.
   
8. Mice are not little white rodents who spend their time being experimented on. Rather, they are hyper-intelligent-pan-dimensional beings. (This is something I’ve long suspected since mice have tricked us into thinking they are cute and into creating idols we worship in their form such as Mickey Mouse).
   
9. The answer to life is….shhh…don’t tell anyone….it’s 42! You see, eons ago hyper-intelligent-pan-dimensional beings wanted to know the answer to life, the universe, and everything, so they built a huge computer called Deep Thought and asked it. After deep thinking for seven and a half million years, Deep Thought gave the answer of 42. But by then it was a little hazy as to what the actual question was. So Deep Thought said they should really try to find the question to the ultimate answer…42.

Be sure to visit this page often to read the next edition of Walking in the Valley. You can write to the author at bdahlgren@wcgsouthbay.org.